Welcome to This Grief

On March 9, 2016, something terrible happened. My sweet love, my fiance killed himself. He had been hurting for a very long time. Struggling against his depression and trying to hold tight to me. And I to him. 

He loved me so much. And I him. He was an amazing man. With talent and heart and skills. My best friend and heart. Lovable beyond reason. He could design, prepare and hang clever wooden crate shelves in an afternoon. He could learn a song in an hour. He would drive to his aunt's house in a storm to dig her out of the snow. He was a man who sent flowers and made you open your birthday presents early. He would be too excited to wait to make you smile. He would build a personalized bike ramp for his soon to be nephew because a teenager ran over my nephew's makeshift one. He left me post-its and believed in me even after I couldn't find a job for eight months. He collected goat videos to send me whenever I had a bad day. He was a son, brother, cousin, friend. He was loved dearly and deeply loving. He was vintage t-shirts and balsam beard cream. He was curled toes and strong legs, laced fingers and slow dancing. He was these things and so much more, and now, I have to learn how to live without him. 

I am deep in this grief, desperate for some respite, not sure I deserve it. 

I've signed up for an online course called, Write Your Grief. This blog will be my record of 30 days of daily prompts, and, if it proves useful, I will continue to use this space to write through my grief. I want to explore this grief and record its movement--for myself and maybe some day others who could tragically relate. 

Welcome to this grief. It is dark in here, but we are not alone.