I am going to be okay.
But, it's not because you did this. It's not because I'm better off without you. It's because I have something I need. It's not because you didn't have something I need.
And still, at the end of the day. I need to survive. Yes. I'm a little more cavalier about my safety. But maybe that's good. I do things that scare me all the time now. Because I've been as scared as a person could be and I am still on my goddamn feet. You didn't do that. I fucking did that.
And I still reach for you. When things are, hurry to share the news good. When things are chip a tooth you're clenching so hard bad. I throw my arm across the bed to find cold comforter, and hear the rock from rainbow lakes slide across the box of your ashes. Even when I dream. I dream of waking and reaching for you and finding you gone. Everywhere I look you are gone. And I persist.
I am strong as fuck. Not because of you. In spite of you. I do impossible things everyday. Starting with climbing out of bed. And ending with climbing back into bed to try to release as my brain races while my forehead furrows. And every moment in between. I fight. I may finally need the Botox my sister kept trying to push on me. And every moment in between. I fight. To savor moments of respite and surrender to the moment of relentless grief. I do the impossible because I don't know how not to.
People say it's brave. I'm not sure bravery is much more than being terrified of the alternative.
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